Swinging - A Bad Rap

During our family trip, we stayed with some friends for a few days (she was my best friend after high school). I was dying to tell her about our new adventures. She noticed that I was considerably happier than I had been in previous years, and seemed to have a lust for life (she was stuck in the married with kids & bills rut). After a few days, we told her and her husband what we were doing. At first, she had lots of questions (Aren’t you worried about disease? Are you worried one of you will find someone else you love even more and end up splitting up? Etc.). Even after answering her questions and telling her some of our stories, she still wasn’t comfortable with our activities.

We were very surprised that she reacted somewhat negatively. She was a very open-minded person. She came from a similar (very conservative) religious background as us, but when she became a flight attendant, she behaved wildly (making up for lost time?). She lived with her boyfriend before they got married. We suspected that she still took advantage of opportunities while working / traveling even though she was now married & with children. But she had a hard time dealing with the news.

We’ve since learned that many people, even if they seem to be open minded and actually have multiple sex partners, have difficulty with the idea of swinging. Even if they live in a lousy marriage, many tend to have a closed mind and won’t even consider the possibility. My husband thinks it’s because people have a romantic notion about marriage, and there’s lots of underlying religious issues too. He finds it interesting that most people will be titillated by stories of affairs, wishing they could have fun on the side as well (many do), but also wrapped up in the drama of the cheating and lying. So if many people are willing to consider having an affair, or look the other way or are empathetic to friends who have affairs, why wouldn’t they be open to a healthier situation—where there is no lying or cheating, where both people participate and support each other, and get to have the benefits of an expanded pool of lovers?

Maybe some of the resistance has to do with an old notion of swinging. Some of the “vanilla” people (people who aren’t participating in the lifestyle) we talk to think of orgies with strangers when they think of swinging. While this may be true for some (the more hardcore swingers), it is certainly a small minority. Most of the people we know in the lifestyle are very cautious and have many restrictions or rules that guide their play. Some are only voyeurs or only engage in female / female play (the guys may watch, and then play with their own spouse at the end). Others will soft swap (stay with their own partner, but have sex next to another couple and watch each other make love), in some cases allowing some touch between the couples or even oral sex. Others will full swap (switch partners), but will not do group activities (more than two couples on the same bed). Some may be into fetish or extreme activities. Most are respectful of other people’s boundaries (although they may not be interested in playing with others who prefer a different level of intensity or like different ways of playing).

As a result of this spectrum from soft to hard, and the many variations of play, there is often tremendous diversity in a crowd of swingers. Some need to socialize many times with another couple, the stars need to align, and magic happen at just the right moment before they are willing to submit to an intimate encounter. Others are ready to play the moment you ask. I usually need liquid courage (3 beers and I turn into a slut!) to be comfortable with someone the first time. Unless, of course, they are an absolute gorgeous hunk or if I’ve had the chance to get to know them well and feel comfortable with them as a quality person.

Some people have written in online lifestyle forums that they wish the world would be more accepting of alternative lifestyles, and want to follow the homosexual community’s example of being proactive to reduce society’s barriers. Others think that part of the excitement of the lifestyle is that it is considered taboo by society, making what we do special and distinct from what most people consider normal and proper. What bothers me is that most people don’t understand how liberating the lifestyle is, how much it has helped me grow and improve my self confidence, and how much more fun I’m having now that I’ve got many new friends who are willing to share their knowledge and talents to make sex even better than it was before. Some things improve with age, and maturity certainly helps one enjoy sex much more (if one can only decide to climb up out of the rut and experiment).

And the greatest paradox of all—it has made my love for my husband so much stronger than it was before!

And I look everyday at my many vanilla friends and people at work who live miserable lives because they won’t even allow for the possibility (for them, the world is still flat, and the earth is at the center of the universe).