The Sensuous Wife

The adventures of a formerly conservative wife and mother who is undergoing a sexual reawakening.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

The Conservative Wife

"Debbie just hit the wall - she never had it all
one Prozac a day - husband's a CPA
her dreams went out the door - when she turned twenty four
only been with one man - what happen to her plan?"
"She was gonna be an actress - she was gonna be a star
she was gonna shake her ass - on the hood of white snake’s car
her yellow SUV - is now the enemy
looks at her average life - and nothing has been alright since"
- 1985 (Bowling for Soup)
I was just 19, he was 24. We had a summer romance that resulted in pregnancy. He knew I’d never give it up, so we got married just before he started graduate school. Despite a shot gun wedding and much sickness during pregnancy, we found the opportunity to make love often in our small college apartment. When the baby came, I thought that I had achieved all my dreams. A family, with a decent man who took good care of me, and a lovely baby. Over time, and after a few more kids, I was totally absorbed with being a mother.

We attended church regularly, and we taught our kids to live according to God’s laws. I was a stay at home mom and became a girl scout leader, a room parent at my kids’ school, and kept the kids active in sports, lessons, etc.

When we made love, it was great. Over the years we bought books, videos and adult toys, and tried the new things we learned in an attempt to keep the spark alive in the bedroom. My husband also shared different fantasies with me while we were making love. Some included other people in threesomes, or even being intimate with another couple. While I was intrigued, I didn’t want to appear receptive, and often interrupted his fantasy (and arousal) by saying “only in your dreams”.

Being busy with the kids, household chores, and church activities there was less time and energy to take care of my husband. As the frequency of sex continued to dwindle, my husband grew increasingly resentful. “Why did I try to be abstinent while single if I continued being near abstinent after marriage?” he’d complain. Eventually, he said he felt like he was living with his sister as his intimacy needs were not being met. He even quit wearing his wedding ring to emphasize the point. That only made me feel more distant, and sex became even more infrequent. I worried that he was cheating on me, and I felt guilty that I wasn’t meeting my duties as his wife. I’d hang out with my girlfriends, and we’d commiserate about guys and their constant demand for sex, being poked in the back in the middle of the night, or hoping he’d finish quickly so we could roll over and get back to sleep.

Then he lost his job. Because of the stress, I put back on most of the weight (60 pounds) I had just lost the prior year. I went back to work to try to bring in some money and keep us in insurance during the financial drought. The women I worked with had the same complaints about men as my friends. Most hadn’t had sex in a long time, the others didn’t enjoy it. We were all miserable.

Given all the changes in my life, I stepped back and began to reexamine my beliefs and assumptions about what brings happiness. My beautiful babies had become unappreciative teenagers. My dream marriage was in a rut. I had low self esteem, although working started boosting my confidence in my ability to contribute to the family financially. I realized that I had depended upon others for my happiness, and I needed to concentrate on making myself happy before I could bring happiness to others.

While my life was in turmoil, I was slow to recognize that my husband was being very helpful around the house, and very considerate and appreciative of me. He said it took me a few months to overcome my resentment of where my life was after 18 years of marriage and to be truly appreciative of his efforts. He treated me like a queen, and tried to make my life as easy as possible since I was working out of the home and he took his turn as Mr. Mom. In time, my feelings of affection for my husband started to grow again. And I wanted more satisfying sex.